Today–if you’re an American–is Thanksgiving day. Our last chance to relax and be thankful for all the many blessings God has bestowed upon us… before we all become hateful, vicious slaves to capitalism over the next month–starting with “Black Friday.” Is it not ironic how angry and rude people behave for the sake of giving to others?
“Excuse me while I shove you into this endcap, beat in your skull with my purse, and run you down with my shopping cart so I can buy some lousy, fourteen dollar George Foreman Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine for my brother.”
You think I’m exaggerating? Maybe a little bit, but not by much. What about the woman who was trampled and knocked unconcious for some crappy, $29 DVD player at Wal-Mart last year? Ridiculous. Whether I end up shopping tomorrow morning or not, I’m determined not to act like a total jerk. It’s just stuff, people.
However, for those of you that must inflict harm on others, be sure to use round, blunt objects. We don’t want any bleeding. Elbows work fairly well… especially in the ribs.
Anyway, this whole ‘share-what-you’re-thankful-for’ thing is worn-out. Therefore, allow me to present… “Stuff I’m NOT Thankful For.”
U2: Who’s idea was this, really? There’s only one good thing that came out of Ireland, and that distinction goes to Irish Spring–the only soap meant to be sliced with a giant hunting knife! Seriously guys, go back to peeling your precious potatoes.
The Atlanta Braves: Why on earth does Ted Turner keep wasting his money on this group of idiots? A herd of llamas with bats duct-taped to their heads could play a better game of baseball.
Eggnog: This stuff was obviously conceived before the days of marketing. If you’ve never heard of eggnog before, the name of this stuff isn’t gonna make you want to try it. Am I wrong? Same goes for cole slaw.
UK Basketball: Do I really have to explain? It hasn’t been the same since they lost Rick Pitino. Now it’s horrible, instead of just plain bad.
Oprah: I’ll be thankful for her when she gives me $1,500 worth of free stuff.
Okay, seriously, I’m not really this cynical. I’m just having a little fun. I really am thankful for things–lots of things. Too many to name individually, in fact. I am very thankful for my family, friends, and roommates. Some of you may fall into more than one of those categories, and if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that I am thankful for you; unless, of course, that dirty Bono found my website somehow. Hehe. Cheat Commandos…ROCK ROCK ON!