March 2005


I’m just so tired of looking at everything that happens and trying to figure out why it happened the way it did. What does it all mean? Everything can be interpreted in countless ways. Which one is the correct interpretation? If everything happens for a reason, how come I can’t figure out the reason?

I wish I could stop looking at my life as a riddle or a puzzle. I get so caught up in trying to figure everything out that I just stop living. It’s like those stupid Rubix Cubes. You solve one side and feel good about yourself, that is, until you look to find that all the other sides are still completely wrong.

I analyze everything to an end. I’m afraid of feelings, so I lean toward logical thinking. I guess I’ve just seen too many people screw up their lives because they made a decision based on nothing but their feelings. I know it’s not healthy to rely on logic for everything, but at least then there’s less hurt to go around. There must be a proper balance between logic and emotion, but I don’t have the slightest clue of what it is.

I guess that’s why I feel so alone sometimes. I guess that’s why I’m sometimes convinced I’m going to spend my life alone. Alone, in the the sense of never finding my life-long physical and spiritual partner… my “soul-mate,” so to speak. Of course, there is something worse than never finding the one that was meant for you, and that is finding that person and then screwing it up and missing the chance. It’s like being in any kind of competition… sometimes you’d rather not play at all than risk losing it all and humiliating yourself for all to see.

I’ll be graduating in five weeks and I’m not particularly excited about it. With every ending there’s a new beginning to follow, but all I’m feeling right now is ending. Where is the beginning? Every big change I’ve experienced thus far has been pretty easy with the help of my friends and my family. But this one feels different. I don’t feel like I have anyone to come along with me. No one to share the load.

Just me and Jesus. Which is all I truly need, but that can still be hard to accept. Boy, do I disappoint Him a lot, not to mention everyone else. I’m so glad He doesn’t hold grudges, because there is no one I hurt more than Him.

If little of this makes any sense to you, it doesn’t matter. I don’t really care if anyone reads this or not. This isn’t for anyone in particular, except myself. I had to get this crap out of my head and out in the open. I’m not putting a comments link. That’s not what I’m going for.

Let’s just call this my mind vomit. I’m feeling less nauseous already.

“Tie Me Up! Untie Me!” by mewithoutYou

I was looking at the leaves
Climbing to the tops of the trees
But you were nowhere to be found.
Just beneath all the green
You were buried like a little seed
Among the roots and underground.
I was licking at the leaves
But I was in short sleeves and you,
You were like some sickness that I caught.
My sweetheart moved away,
Swept off like garbage in the alleyway.
I need more grace than I thought.

Brother, I’m far away from everything good!

She’s like a hot cloth on a fevered head.
And like a needle she leads me
(Well, I follow like thread).
Tie me up! Untie me!
All this wishing I was dead is getting old…
It goes on, but it’s old.

I was swimming through the waves
For what must have been days,
But could find no relief.
When I started sinking down
I thought for certain I would drown
Until I saw you in the ocean underneath.
All the bright colored fish
Tell of a treasure in a dull shell,
Such subtlety, so easily missed!
You, my hidden pearl of pure and perfect love
And I’m a living example of 100 percent the opposite of this.
If I ask the same questions

Well maybe I repeat myself from time to time,
But it’s because everyone who answers me is a liar.

She’s like a hot cloth on a fevered head.
And like a needle she leads me
(Well, I follow like thread).
But you untied me – didn’t you untie me, Lord?
And now I haven’t even thought about
Killing myself in almost five months.

Have you ever been listening to a song and its lyrics and thought to yourself, “Oh, that’s good. I wish I had written that.” I’m sure I’m not the only one. Anyway, the following are some of those lyrics… in no particular order. Feel free to share what you think or some of your own favorite lyrics in the comments.

“The one thing I hate most about me is the one thing you want to make your trademark—to feel lust without cute, boring love.” ~Blindside

“If I didn’t have You as my guide I’d still be wandering lost in Sinai or down by the tracks watching trains go by to remind me: There are places that aren’t here. I had a well but all the water left, so I’ll ask Your forgiveness with every breath. If there was no way into God, I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long, dear.” ~mewithoutYou

“Where this thing goes I’ll never know, but all I know is packing bags is a remedy.” ~Underoath

“Love isn’t a fading word that one might say. Love isn’t a long, long kiss or something that you make. Love never ever seeks itself. It serves when been spat on, even in bad health. Cause you love her for what you get. You’ve loved a long time, But thats the wrong kind.” ~Watashi Wa

“You think that you’re the center of my universe, but another star goes out each night.” ~Death Comesto Matteson

“What a child you are, for you look just like me—looking out for number one. I’m all that I have and all that I see, saved by the grace of the Son. So shall we deny? And rot as we die? As I write a book about me. My noble wealth of serving myself, I am so selfish it’s funny.” ~Showbread

“I want to make you happy, but I’ve fallen. I’m sorry. I thought my wings could hold me up with angels, not demons. You don’t know how cool You are to find the ways to love me without shame.” ~Lovedrug